Barbara O’Dair, ed.

What’s the word, like Afrocentric, or Eurocentric, that refers to a worldview centered on lesbians? Lesbocentric? Lesbiancentric?

If I knew that word, I would say that The Rolling Stone Women of Rock, edited by Barbara O’Dair, is the first book of that type that I read. 40 years of essays and interviews with women rockers could have been great, but why is it only the ones that hated men got ample space? You don’t have to like singers who are pretty and popular, but ignoring them in a history of 20^th-century women singers is like ignoring Lee Iacocca in a history of cars just because you value fuel-efficient transportation.

Bruce A. Ware

The doctrine of the Trinity is one of the most complex and magnificent concepts in Christian doctrine. I have been greatly helped in meditating on it through the works of Augustine, Calvin, and Fuller. Looking forward to a similar encouragement, I picked up Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, by Bruce A. Ware, and left very disappointed.

Ware approaches the topic with more assurance and familiarity than the better authors, attempting to prove a hierarchy of roles, though not of essences, within the Trinity. This is ground the giants of the past avoided and cautioned against, and with good reason.

Once Ware builds his case, he then tries to distract from the highly speculative nature of his arguments by focusing on applications that his conservative readers are likely to appreciate. The argument going something like this:

Father, Son, and Spirit are equal in essence.

Father, Son, and Spirit are hierarchical in roles.

Man is created in God’s image.

Therefore, men and women are equal in essence but hierarchical in roles.

The church is created in God’s image.

Therefore, congregations and pastors are equal in essence but hierarchical in roles.

In short, he took one of the greatest mysteries of faith and turned it into a footnote for conservative evangelical arguments on gender roles.

Calvin was probably right: how God talks to himself is none of our business.

Max Lucado

When God Whispers Your Name is… I wish I could say something good about it. But Lucado relies too much on cute and chipper. A very good friend gave it to me when I was fighting depression, and it caused some serious problems in our friendship for quite a while.

Tami Hoag

Night Sins… Yeah, that’s a book I knew I probably wouldn’t like, but it was recommended strongly by someone I respected, back before I realized that respecting a person didn’t mean you had to respect their book recommendations. It’s a trashy, middle-aged woman fantasy mystery of that type that describes male protagonists by comparing them to action movie stars and has said movie-star-like hero state repeatedly how much he likes the heroine’s small breasts.

It’s a cliffhanger, of the type that makes you wonder whether even the author knew who committed the murder until the chapter in which the murderer is revealed. Fortunately, by the end of the book, you probably won’t care which other characters die or go to jail.

For what it’s worth, neither Tami Hoag nor the woman who recommended her book to me is buxom.

Tim LaHaye and Jerry Jenkins

I’ve heard that Tim LaHaye has written sex manuals for Christians.

I find that odd because Left Behind gave me the impression that LaHaye had never met a human being.

Here’s the scene: all the babies and young children on earth have disappeared. Planes are crashing because pilots disappeared. Driverless cars are crashing (for reasons their bumper stickers probably explain). And in the midst of all of this… There are people working at the information desk at the airport? There are people working at the airport ticket counters? There are people driving busses?

Seriously?

Come on! I rode inner-city busses every day for years. I know that a lot of those drivers didn’t believe in the Savior. But I also know that if their kids had suddenly disappeared, they wouldn’t be driving the damned bus.

But so many people loved it… and some of those people I care about very much… and some of those people bought the whole set, and kept asking me to give it another chance…

Which makes me wonder even more about that rumored sex manual.

In book 2 of the series, Tribulation Force, we find that the protagonist, Buck (I’m pretty sure that’s his name. All of the good guys have names like cowboy verbs, so it’s hard to keep straight.), who is a late-twenties, award-winning investigative journalist and television reporter, and who had no serious religious convictions until the previous book… this super-stud of the international jetset… well, he’s a virgin.

And not only that, but his beautiful, feminist, Stanford, co-ed dorm, non-religious girlfriend is also a virgin.

Huh?

Do LaHaye and Jenkins think that people just don’t get around to it?

The characters were so poorly drawn that it made me wonder if LaHaye could be wrong about other things as well.

I’d been raised in the same apocalyptic view LaHaye holds. I got all of his allusions, and knew his Bible references. But after reading his books, I went back to the Bible to see what it really said, without key-verse lists and commentaries to direct me.

A year later, I was convinced that the Bible doesn’t back him up.

I was on his side, and reading his books convinced me I was wrong. That’s bad.

But it’s not the worst.

He doesn’t make God look good.

That’s about the worst thing to say about an author who takes the Name.

Randy Alcorn (part 2)

The rules of this blog are to review from memory at least a year after reading—no notes.

Randy Alcorn’s Deception was so surprisingly disturbing that I’ll break the rule.

There are a number of things Alcorn improves on in this book. For instance, he doesn’t take himself so seriously, he lets characters be funny, he cuts down on the “heaven’s view” angle, he doesn’t make his literary heroes characters… From those perspectives, it’s an improvement.

But I should have seen something fishy in the endorsement by Chuck Norris (Chuck Norris? karate guy? mediocre actor? writing book endorsements?).

The endorsement was explained when, within the first 40 pages, Alcorn had mentioned Chuck Norris by name half a dozen times, in situations totally unrelated to plot or character development, and had compared him favorably to Vince Lombardi, Superman, and the Pope.

It turns out the Chuck Norris pandering is only a symptom of a deeper trouble: almost 400 positive name-brand product placements!

God help us, it’s like reading a think, bound version of a middle-class mall directory. Almost 400 name brand references! If you read a page every two minutes, you get about as many commercials every half hour as if you’d watched a network sitcom.

Mr. Alcorn’s trying to tell us heaven’s where it’s at, but one is tempted to wonder where his treasure really is, especially when it turns out that the commercials can be broken into the following categories:

● 15 alcohol

● 33 handguns

● 94 junk food

Alcorn’s sense of humor allows him to make self-referential jokes about the product placement at times, which I took as a good sign.

But then I started thinking (WARNING: I’m going to give away a plot twist here), if the climax of the action involves a character’s life being saved because he routinely carried three concealed firearms, then maybe Alcorn isn’t as tongue-in-cheek flippant about his product placements as he’d lead you to believe. Maybe he really believes the world will be better if we all read books that remind us which handgun to buy every fifteen pages, and which trash to munch every four pages. I wonder if he’s aware that he’s selling trash.

And his Christian characters aren’t alive.

It makes me wonder what Randy Alcorn really thinks heaven will be like.

 

(If you don’t believe me about the product placement, read it for yourself below. The following list shows the name brands in order of appearance in Deception. The list doesn’t include the dozens of references to 24, CSI, COPS, Law & Order, and fictional detectives.)

 

Chicago Cubs, Smith & Wesson 340, Advil, Mr. Coffee, Juan Valdez, Starbucks French Roast, Mr. Coffee, Mr. Coffee, Ford Taurus, Big Gulp, Burger King, Acura Integra, Taurus, Glock 19, Black Jack, Ziploc, Wal-Mart, Taco Bell, Olympus, History Channel, Cheetos, Yankees, Lou’s Diner, Tabasco, Burgerville Tillamook cheeseburger, Taurus, Ovaltine, Dinty Moore beef Stew, Spaghetti O’s, Spaghetti O’s, Spaghetti O’s, Estee Lauder, New Yorker, Architectural Digest, Photoshop, Hallmark, Jay Leno, Chuck Norris, Black Jack, Starbucks, Hot Dog on a Stick, 7-Eleven, Bud, MiniMart, Taco Bell, Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris, Budweiser, Ruger P-97, 357 Magnum, P-97, Browning, Seahorse, Wally’s Donuts, Wally’s Donuts, Black Jack, Jazzy’s Barbecue, Taco Bell, Breathsavers, Starbucks, Pilot G2 gel pens, Pelikan fountain ink, Budweiser, Sanicare electric toothbrush, Colgate, Black Jack, Docers, Black Jack, Black Jack, Raiders, Black Jack, Wally’s Donuts, Clemmer’s Furniture, Photoshop, White’s Market, Sweet Baby Ray’s barbecue, Snicker’s bar, Lou’s Diner, Lou’s Diner, Ralph’s Diner, Wally’s Donuts, Wally’s Donuts, Dell computers, Lay’s potato chips, Cheetos, Pepsi, Cheetos, Lay’s, Cowboys, Pittsburgh Steelers, Glock, Glock, Glock, Dinty Moore beef stew, Jiffy cornbread muffins, Budweiser, 9mm SIG-Sauer P226, Family Circle, Mr. Coffee, Glock, Burger King, Purina Beggin’ Strips, DiGiorno pizza, Barlow Bruins, Emu slippers, Bud, Seattle’s Best, Butterfinger, Strickland’s Sail Shop, Marlow catalog, Strickland’s Sail Ship, Strickland’s Sail Shop, Mr. Coffee, George’s Marine Supply, Marlow, Strickland’s Sail Shop, OSU baseball, Dea’s In and Out, Diovan, Lou’s Diner, Black Jack, Black jack, Beeman’s, Clove, Clove, Clove, Black Jack, Beeman’s, Black Jack, Safeway, Costco, Home Depot, Kleenex, Yankee’s, Braves, Wally’s Donuts, Black Jack, Lou’s Diner, Lou’s Diner, Flying Pie Pizza, Krispy Kreme, Pizza Schmizza, Chipotle Mexican Grill, Saks Fifth Avenue, Gap, Lou’s Diner, Mr. Coffee, Chevy Tahoe, Ronald McDonald, Lou’s Diner, Tuurns Millenium Pro 9mm, Lou’s Diner, Do Drop Inn, Blazers, Do Drop Inn, Do Drop Inn, Krispy Kremes, Nike, Baja Fresh, Big Gulp, Egg McMuffin, Baja Fresh, Cheetos, Scrabble, Outback, Krispy Kreme, Krispy Kreme, 7-Eleven, Grayson’s Fine Pens, Krispy Kreme, BIC pens, Powell’s City of Books, Washington Post, Powell’s, World Cup Coffee & Tea, Nebraska Cornhuskers, Nebraska Cornhuskers, Amheiser-Busch, Budweiser, Riesling, Earl Gray, Black Jack, Architectural Digest, Olympus, Mace, Rubik’s Cube, Canon, Starbucks, Red Robin, Starbucks, Frappaccino, Frappaccino, Starbucks, Seattle’s Best, Starbucks, Starbucks, Sominex, Disney, Disney, Toys “R” Us, Fighting Irish, George Foreman Grill, Hillshire Farm Sausages, Sweet Baby Ray’s barbecue sauce, Koch’s horseradish, Rolodex, Paradise Bakery, Schrunk Plaza, BlackBerry, Hot Pockets, Fritos, Wally’s Donuts, Calamity Jane’s burgers, Calamity Jane’s, County fair Burger, A&E, Ritz crackers, Skippy peanut butter, Gentleman’s Quarterly, Skippy, Ritz, SIG-Sauer, Glock, Glock, SIG, SIG, American Heritage dictionary, Hallmark, Mariners, Toyota, WinCo, Holiday Inn, Google, Budweiser, Budweiser, Irish Cream, Diet Coke, Dr. Pepper, V8, diet Sprite, Coors Lite, Black Jack, Black Jack, Black Jack, Stay Puft Marshmallow Man, Adidas, Earl Grey, TD-53 bug detector, TD-53, Outlook, Outlook, MSN, Google, Burgerville USA, Tillamook cheddar cheese, Burgerville, Lou’s Diner, Dea’s, Audi, Porsche, Imitrex, Cok, Swiss Miss Pudding cup, Picasa photo program, Zero bar, Toyota Camry, Camry, Papa Murphy’s, Whitman’s Sampler, Milk Duds, Whoppers, Photoshop, Pillsbury Doughboy, Safeway, Glock, Pillsbury Doughboy, Taco Bell, Marlboros, Powell’s City of Books, World Cup Coffee & Tea, Sumatra-Mandheling coffee, Powell’s, 7-Eleven, Cheez Whiz, Cheez Whiz, A&W, Lou’s Diner, Diet Coke, Black Jack, Wally’s Donuts, Ovaltine, Starbucks, Budweiser, Mr. Coffee, TD-53, TD-53, Lou’s Diner, Black Jack, TD-53, 7-Eleven, Tupperware, Starbucks, 7-Eleven, 7-Eleven, Lou’s Diner, WinCo, Breyers, Baskin Robbins Flyin’ Pie pizza, Glock, TCBY, Baskin Robbins, Lou’s, Cadillac STS, BMW 530i, BMW 530i, Cadillac STS, BMW, Cadillac STS, BMW, BMW, Cadillac, BMW, Lou’s Diner, Mr. Coffee, Black Jack, Starbucks, Starbucks, Winterhawks, Taurus, ProStaff binoculars, McGraw’s Outlaw Barbecue Sauce, Vikings, Old Spaghetti Factory, Old Spaghetti Factory, Mizithra, Mizithra, Coke, Coca-Cola, Coke, 7-Up, Coke, Coke, Coca-Cola, Coke, Coca-Cola, Riesling, Earl Grey, Google, Coke, MapQuest, Advil, Do Drop Inn, Diet Coke, Black Jack, Photoshop, Photoshop, Rockport World Town Classics, Rockports, Rockports, Black Jack, 9mm Beretta, PXD Storm, Beretta, Beretta, Beretta, Glock, Beretta, TD-53, Bluetooth earpiece, Glock, Glock, Glock, Budweiser, Starbucks, Glock, Beretta, Glock, Krispy Kreme, Black Jack, Krispy Kreme, Glock, Seahawks, Krispy Kreme, Black Jack, Krispy Kreme, Krispy Kreme, Old Spaghetti Factory, Mizithra, DiCiannis, Tender Tbonz Sizzlin’ Steak snack, Glock

Peter Horrobin

Healing Through Deliverance, volumes I and II set forth two basic theses: 1) every problem may have a demonic cause, and 2) demons only leave through direct confrontation.

It’s a tough sell, and Peter Horrobin is obviously committed to his cause, but he can’t write, can’t interpret scripture, and can’t convince me.

For anyone who’s had an exciting life, the ultimate result of applying his principles would be devoting every day to non-stop, self-absorbed exorcisms.

I can’t think of anything good that came from reading it, aside from keeping my word to a friend who recommended it.

Nicholas Sparks

Nicholas Sparks’ The Wedding…

If Amy Hempel is fine wine, and Thom Jones is straight whiskey, Nicholas Sparks is a can of Coke that sat open in the sun all day, then had a several tablespoons of honey stirred in. Reading several hundred pages of his book is like slowly, slowly swishing that concoction around, and around, and around.

Blech.

I read it several years ago, and I still remember the main characters and plot. I wish I didn’t.

Michael Crichton

Jurassic Park had just come out, but I hadn’t seen it yet. I had five minutes at the airport book store before the plane left for Moscow, and all they had were rows of Michael Crichton.

Dinosaurs? Another day. I picked up Terminal Man.

Terminal Man is a snicker-out-loud book, which isn’t a good thing because it’s supposed to be a thriller, and any laughter is at instead of with. Crichton is not a funny author, but the intelligence he exhibited in this artificial intelligence fantasy is purely superficial.

On the way back, the Moscow airport didn’t even have choices. I talked to a flight attendant, though, and found that the in-flight entertainment would consist solely of a Rock Hudson movie dubbed into Russian and shown twice, so I ended up reading Jurassic Park.

Jurassic Park is a better book, in the way that a fifteen-year-old rust-eaten Ford Taurus is better than the same car with two flat tires.

The movie was much better.

In Crichton’s defense… I’ve seen three complete episodes of E.R., and I liked them.

Dan Brown

There are over-rated blockbusters, and then there is The DaVinci Code, which pushes the term “over-rated” to such an extreme that the language needs to invent a new word.

I wasn’t overly put off by the concept of Jesus being married (laughable historically, but an interesting premise for fiction), or the Catholic church being corrupt (correct historically, but a clichéd premise for fiction). What turned me off from the beginning were absolutely astoundingly implausible events, such as:

1. a septuagenarian is able to run through the halls of the Louvre

2. he is able to do so faster than his gargantuan, physically fit assassin

3. when gut shot, he is still able to compose numerous riddles, including some in different wings of the Louvre that are hundreds of meters apart

4. and the riddles involve writing in his own blood

5. and the writing involves elaborate word puzzles dependent on spelling ability in a foreign language

6. and riddles end with the old man positioning his body so that his death posture (which is remarkably free from spasms or wrenchings, especially for a gut shot) will be a clue to the riddle

7. and that the riddles are, in the end, so simple that I solved several of them faster than I could read the explanation, and I’m not that good with riddles, but they were unsolvable by master sleuths

8. and the master sleuths just happened to be experts on symbology and code breaking

9. and ….

Forget the blasphemy against the origins of Scripture.

Forget the absolute lies presented as facts and defended as “fictionalizations” about such well-documented events as the Council of Nicea.

Forget the most blatant attack on monotheism in a novel since Skinny Legs and All.

It’s a terrible mystery.

Which, I suppose, is why no one forgets the issues I just listed; they were what made it a best-seller. If the same story had been told, using the same characters and clues, about something like whether Bill Clinton really knows what the meaning of “is” is, no one would have read it.